INTRODUCTION

Talking to kids who don't like to talk isn't always easy. At best it's like nailing jello to a tree, at worst it's not much better than getting a root canal. Quite frankly, many parents feel like giving up. Here are 20 questions on "what to ask when you don't know what to say".

EMOTIONAL PERSPECTIVE

1. ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW ARE YOU FEELING? (IF THEY SAY A FIVE, THEN ASK THEM WHAT WOULD MAKE THEM A SIX?)

At the root of most teenagers' frustrations is a confusion of feelings. Students often cannot express what they feel so they just clam up. Getting them to start with their feelings (regardless of their validity) helps get the communication process "jump started" again.

2. WHAT REALLY MAKES YOU MAD OR FRUSTRATED? WHY?

Frustration subtly robs us of our joy. This frustration is magnified when there seems to be no ability to change one's circumstances. Kids often feel they have no control over their problems and so the resulting frustration just builds like a pressure cooker.

3. WHAT'S YOUR GREATEST FEAR IN FACING THE FUTURE?

Most students don't consciously admit to being afraid. Behind their "I've got it all together" image is often times a very "scared, but I don't want to admit it" kid. Helping students process their fears brings these "nightmares" back into proportion.

4. COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE: I FEEL MOST ALONE WHEN...

You may be surprised at the answer to this question. At one extreme is the teenager that doesn't consciously admit to this feeling. They are so busy with school, church, job, etc., that they anesthetize themselves from getting in touch with their real feelings. The treadmill of business keeps them from thinking about how they really feel. At the other end are the kids who need someone to listen to them. They may be isolated from any meaningful interaction with the family, sitting for hours in their bedrooms, listening to their CD's, doodling in their notebook or just plain being bored as life passes them by.

5. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE WHO HAD NEVER MET YOU?

What would your kids say? Would they only describe themselves in physical terms? How about character qualities? Would they be analytical and detached, or would they be expressive and animated? The pictures we paint of ourselves are colored by our self concept and our desire to be accepted by others.

FAMILY QUESTIONS

6. WHAT CAUSES THE MOST TENSION IN YOUR FAMILY?

Kids who quit talking do so for a reason. When events at home get tense some kids react in anger, others retreat or withdraw. Getting kids to open up after they have "pulled back" is difficult. Family problems often lie at the root of this withdrawal. This question helps them open up.

7. WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE FAMILY EXPERIENCE?

Remembering the good times help people to put life into perspective. We tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive. Positive memories help bring us back into emotional equilibrium. Helping kids remember these family experiences will bring a smile to their face.

8. DESCRIBE YOUR EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY?

What students remember about their childhood gives us insight as to their foundations. Childhood is foundational to so many developmental tasks. Self image is established, values are developed and religious orientation initiated. These descriptions may give us a clue as to what's happening inside them now.

GENERAL INTEREST

9. WHAT GIVES YOU THE MOST HAPPINESS IN LIFE RIGHT NOW?

Happiness is a byproduct of what we have or don't have. To the degree that students perceive that they have what they want or need, they will experience the feeling of happiness. Probing in this area may give you valuable insight into your teenagers.

10. WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT SCHOOL? THE LEAST?

School occupies a major time commitment in most students' lives. It is often a reflector of the ups and downs they experience. As someone has written, "it was the best of times and it was the worst of times".

11. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GENUINE FRIEND?

As students move from parental to peer influence during adolescence, who they spend time with is extremely important. The acceptance of a genuine friend helps them through the tough times. Honesty, being a good listener, being available and loyalty are some of the characteristics that kids are looking for in a best friend.

12. WHAT ARE YOUR THREE GREATEST STRENGTHS? WEAKNESSES?

Kids are quick to point out their faults, but somehow feel it is vain to acknowledge their positive character traits. Building up your teenager, yet acknowledging their limitations, is a tightrope all parents must learn to walk.

DREAMS

13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? WHY?

Have your kids grown up in one place all of their lives or are they seasoned travelers? Do they have a quest for adventure or are they content just to be around home? Traveling may be a key to unlocking the dreams that your kids have for themselves.

14. IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING FOR 24 HOURS, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

If you knew you wouldn't fail, just imagine the things you might try: bungie jumping off a bridge, playing shortstop for the Yankees, surfing in Hawaii, climbing Mt. Everest, etc. How would you spend your "dream" 24 hours? Encourage your kids to make their dreams a reality.

15. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING 25 YEARS FROM NOW?

What do your kids picture themselves doing in the prime of their careers? Are there ways you can help them to move in that direction? Are they big dreamers or do they tend to play it safe? Help them develop a positive focus on the future.

16. IF YOU WERE GIVEN $1,000,000 AND HAD TO SPEND IT IN 30 DAYS, HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT?

The answer to this question tells us something about the relative values your teenager is developing. Will they decide to give any money to others less fortunate? Will it be a totally self-indulgent answer? Their real priorities in life will come out!

IMPACT

17. WHAT THREE PEOPLE DO YOU MOST ADMIRE AND WHY?

Our modern culture has de-emphasized the importance of positive role models. This question may provoke your kids into thinking about why they admire or respect people. Is their answer purely based on media hype or is there any substance to their choices?

18. WHO HAS HAD THE GREATEST IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE PERSONALLY?

This is a corollary to the previous question. Parents will be surprised how often their own names will come up if this question isn't asked by them directly. Kids are still looking for heroes. Teachers, youth workers and coaches are likely candidates.

SPIRITUAL

19. IF YOU COULD ASK GOD A QUESTION, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Is there anything about the Bible you don't understand? During the tumultuous tunnel of adolescence the question of "Why, God?" will come up more than once. This is a time of questioning that will either propel their faith or propagate their doubts.

20. IF YOU DIED TONIGHT AND WERE TO STAND BEFORE GOD AND HE ASKED YOU, "WHY SHOULD I LET YOU INTO MY HEAVEN?", WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO HIM?

The answer to this question is ultimately the most important you will ever hear from the mouths of your children. Their eternal future rests on their understanding of God's love for them and their acceptance of His gift of eternal life.