INTRODUCTION

Since divorce is a major step in a person's life that has lifelong implications for several generations, it is important to consider the reasons, costs, and consequences. Because marital conflict becomes so emotionally charged, it is tempting to end the marriage without actually examining the situation systematically. Wisdom suggests a careful, thorough approach to such a serious step as divorce.

1. WHAT DO I HOPE TO GAIN BY DIVORCING?

What do I really want? How will divorce improve my life? Is it my spouse's attitude I want to escape or the responsibility of children and family? Am I chasing a dream of an exciting single life? Sometimes people become caught up in the immediate, surface reasons and lose sight of the bigger picture and the deeper reasons behind their decisions. They are involved in their own complicated life pattern that would be tripping them regardless of who their spouse was. It may be a middle age crisis and their complaints reflect their own discomfort with themselves, and their spouse happens to be a part of this picture without being the cause and the primary villain. Searching out the real reason for wanting a divorce will be enlightening and helpful.

2. HOW ACCURATE IS MY PICTURE OF LIFE AFTER DIVORCE?

Some people picture divorce as the grand entrance into a fun, free life. Those have been living the divorced single life say, "It is not a lot of fun out there! There are a lot of hurting lonely people." Nights alone, no money, no companionship, sharing the kids for holidays, less contact from old friends who do not want to take sides and are uncomfortable with the divorce, conflicts with the ex that were not settled by divorcing, and so on. Many people realize--often too late--that divorce does not end and solve the problems, it merely changes them. Problems continue to exist; they are just different problems.

3. HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT BEING A "DIVORCEE?"

This question is connected with the emotional price listed below. Many persons recoil at the thought of being a "divorcee" and the emotional baggage that accompanies the label. Is this something that I can live with? For many, the prospect of being divorced the second time motivates them to work even harder at their second marriage than they did the first time. "I don't want to be divorced twice!"

4. IS THERE PHYSICAL/EMOTIONAL/SEXUAL ABUSE BEING COMMITTED BY EITHER MY SPOUSE OR ME?

When abuse is taking place within a home, decisive action is required to provide for family members' safety. After the abuse cycle has been interrupted, the overall family situation must be carefully assessed. Intensive treatment for the emotionally disturbed abuser is essential, and if change is not possible, divorce or extended separation with protective guidelines is the only alternative. Professional guidance is essential in an abusive situation such as this.

5. IS MY PARTNER OR AM I ABUSING ANY CHEMICALS OR INVOLVED IN ANY OTHER ADDICTION?

Addictive agents (including drugs, alcohol, sex, work, religion, perfectionism, rage, etc.) can bring unpredictability to a home's atmosphere and damage to family members. The presence of an addiction can make a change more urgent, and professional treatment is essential for all family members. If the abuser is unable or unwilling to make changes, divorce will be necessary for the well-being of the family members.

6. ARE MY FEELINGS ABOUT DIVORCE BEING INFLUENCED BY ANOTHER PERSON WITH WHOM I AM INVOLVED?

This question is related to the real reason I may want a divorce. Is my reason based solely on my marriage relationship or is it being influenced by another person with whom I am involved? Is my marriage as bad as I think it is? Have I been talking to another person who has been giving me sympathy without pointing out my own shortcomings? If I were not seeing this other person, would I even be considering divorce? A good rule of thumb is to wait a few years before marrying after a divorce. When two relationships overlap (such as marrying someone who entered the picture while the marriage was intact), the chances of repeating an emotional mistake are increased.

7. WHAT WILL IT COST ME FINANCIALLY?

Divorce is an expensive venture, and it is wise to look realistically at the financial side of it. This includes the up-front attorney fees in addition to a broad range of charges and services attorneys provide. The attorney expenses soar rapidly when one partner contests the divorce and the couple is unable to work out the details. So they pay lawyers to fight for them. Generally, personal assets are divided equally, including savings, house equity, pension, and so on. Since women on the average make less money than men, the wife is left with a lower standard of living and must work to support herself. Child support payments are insufficient for living and may be an erratic source of income. The partner who is required to pay child support will now be supporting two families, himself/herself totally and partial support to the former family. Depending on the level of income, this may be a formidable task. It is beneficial to know the rate of child support for your locale and how it is determined in order to calculate the realistic financial side of divorce.

8. WHAT WILL IT COST ME EMOTIONALLY?

The emotional costs come in several areas. No matter how bad the marriage has been there will be a sense of loss and grief because an important part of life has come to an end. Although it is possible to work out the grief, the "aloneness" is a frequent complaint from many divorced people. Going to the mall, church, or other places where there are couples can be excruciatingly painful. Some people choose to avoid this pain by jumping headlong into another relationship or a series of intense emotionally charged encounters, but this avoidance only postpones the inevitable pain and often causes additional problems in the healing process. This aloneness can also relate to the absent children, especially for the parents who do not have custody. The reality of not being able to tuck their children into bed, not being there when normal childhood events happen, and knowing that "some other person" in the form of a step-parent will be seeing their child more than they do becomes quite real once the dust has settled. Also, do I want the "divorce" label following me the rest of my life? How will that feel?

9. HOW WILL A DIVORCE AFFECT THE CHILDREN?

This question is a difficult one to answer. It depends on the children's ages and their personalities. One thing is certain, it is going to effect them, but the damage of a divorce must be weighed against the damage of staying in an unhealthy marriage. When conditions are definitely severe, leaving is often the best solution for the children. People say of a parent who "stayed for the children," "I wish mom (dad) would have left a long time ago. Staying for us kids hurt us more than if she had left." Working with a professional counselor can help shed specific light on this subject for your particular situation. There is a second truth related to the children: when the couple can be supportive and congenial with each other after the divorce there is less emotional damage to the children.

10. DO I REALIZE THE EFFECT THAT A FATHER-ABSENT HOME HAS ON CHILDREN?

Many father-absent families carry on successfully, but most professionals agree that families with both parents are stronger. Research reveals the following about mother-only families: they move more frequently causing additional stress for the children; the adolescents are more likely to be sexually active, adolescents receive less help with homework, adolescents are more likely to commit delinquent acts, children perform at a lower level on standardized test of cognitive development, adolescents are more susceptible to peer pressure, and so on. You may be the exception, but there is no crystal ball telling you how long your children will be with a single parent or the quality of a step-parent. Also, research shows that many dads stop visiting their children two to three years after the divorce--the pain is so great that it hurts less to avoid the kids than to see them for their weekend visit.

11. HOW DOES THIS ACTION FIT IN WITH MY SPIRITUAL CONVICTIONS?

Divorce is a major step for a Christian because it is inconsistent with God's stated wish for His people, although God does not take a rigid stance against it. If Christians believe that divorce is wrong, they must be prepared to struggle with how it fits into their Christian beliefs. Am I sinning? Will God forgive me? Am I able to forgive myself? Is it acceptable to remarry according to the Bible? Am I going to live with guilt and shame before the Lord if I divorce? Will a divorce make a difference in my position at church?

12. WHAT DOES GOD WANT ME TO DO? HAVE I GENUINELY PRAYED ABOUT IT?

Seeking God's will is essential, and we need to be careful that we do not answer our own prayer by attributing to God what we want to hear. Is God using the difficulty in the marriage to hone some of my rough edges? Are there valuable spiritual lessons I would miss by leaving?

13. HOW WILL I HANDLE THE PAIN?

Leaving a bad marriage is just as painful as losing someone we like, and people must work through the healing stages of divorce. There will be changes in friendships, family relationships including parents and children, lonely nights and weekends, and just plain inner pain. What type of support is/will be available? Do I have family and friends that will stand by me? Are there divorce recovery groups in my area? Do I have the courage to attend them? Is my pastor going to encourage and support me? Am I able to express my feelings in order to work them out of my system or do I usually stuff my feelings?

14. DID I GROW UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME WITH POOR ROLE MODELS FOR MARRIAGE?

For persons who have grown up in dysfunctional homes with poor marriage models, understanding one's own distorted perceptions is especially critical because faulty learning has taken place. This means a person should be especially cautious about a quick decision and determine to seriously examine his/her own contribution to the conflict. Discovering and working out a negative emotional pattern usually requires therapy and intense introspection.

15. DO I CLEARLY UNDERSTAND MY ROLE IN THE PROBLEMS AND HOW I HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE DECLINE IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

It is human nature to place the blame for our difficulties on others in a bad marriage. Too often, people see quite clearly how the partner causes them grief and will sincerely believe that "everything would be just fine" is he/she would only "stop being that way." Individuals typically are attracted to a marriage partner that ties into their own set of problems, so in a subtle way they "need" their partner to have his/her negative traits so they can continue to play out their own negative patterns. It is easy to focus on the partner and overlook one's own contribution. Some spouses spend years trying to fix their partner which is an unending, impossible goal--to change someone else. For example, a woman may want emotional closeness but is afraid of it, so she marries a man who cannot tolerate closeness. She spends her life trying to gain closeness with a man who cannot handle it, and she lives in a state of wanting but not getting--her negative pattern she learned with her parents. Unless she stops and examines herself, she does not realize that she actually is afraid of closeness and would not know what to do if her husband suddenly gave her what she believes she wants. Before she enters a divorce, she needs to take responsibility for her role in the conflict and fix her portion of the problem.

16. DO I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT MY OWN EMOTIONAL STYLE AND PATTERNS TO AVOID REPEATING THE IDENTICAL PATTERN IN MY NEXT RELATIONSHIP?

Most divorced people hope to remarry and "do it right" the second time. Some do, while others find themselves repeating the identical messy pattern they had tried to escape by divorcing. The fights are the same and the painful feelings are similar. Correcting an emotional dysfunction requires more work than dumping a spouse and finding a new one. In the example above, the wife who "needs" to pursue closeness without achieving it will be attracted to a similar man the second time so she can repeat the emotional pattern that is comfortable to her even though she insists that she does not like it. Even when people are aware of their negative patterns, it is easy to be attracted to a person who reinforces their negative side and has the very traits they said they abhorred. A middle-aged couple put it quite well. "We found ourselves in the exact trouble we each had in our first marriages, but we didn't want a second divorce. If we had worked as hard at our first marriages as we did with this one, neither of us would have ever gotten divorced."

17. AM I WILLING TO COMMIT MYSELF TO ONE YEAR OF SERIOUS EFFORT AT THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE MAKING A DEFINITE DECISION?

It takes time to sort things out, and people do not make changes quickly. When trust has been violated, it takes time to rebuild it. Making a commitment of at least one year can help bring some stability and reduce the see-saw wondering that drives everyone nuts, "I think I'll stay--no, I'll leave. I can't stay." If a couple seriously works at the marriage and has counseling for at least a year, they will have a pretty good idea whether or not it will work out. Not that everything will be solved at the end of a year, but if progress is possible, it will be evident.

18. CAN I SAY, "I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I KNOW TO DO, AND IT STILL HAS NOT WORKED. I WILL NEVER HAVE TO LOOK BACK AT THIS TIME AND WISH I HAD TRIED SOMETHING ELSE"?

Divorce is a major step, and there are times when it just seems to be the only answer. However, many people rush into divorce too quickly because it is so painful and gut-wrenching to struggle with old hurts and memories. Obtaining a divorce can cut the process short and circumvent the pain of struggling with the past issues. Several years after the divorce, however, as the pain subsides into the distance and one's vision clears, regrets often begin to creep into one's heart and mind. "I wish I hadn't filed so quickly. Maybe I should not have been so stubborn and gone to counseling longer." Living with regrets is unfortunate. You owe it to yourself to try everything you can so you do not have to look back after five years and sigh, "I wish I had given it more time and put more effort into making it work." This is especially true of those who find that their second marriage is a repeat of their first one.

19. HAVE I TRIED COUNSELING? IF NOT, WHY NOT?

Counseling is no magic cure, but it does provide a forum for discussion with a third party. Often the marital problem includes trouble communicating--the ability to explain and understand each other's points of view. There are techniques and new ideas that counseling professionals can introduce to people which do make a difference. Some say, "We can't afford it." Well, are you able to afford an expensive divorce, either? "I don't want to tell a stranger about my family problems." You'll have to explain your troubles to your lawyer if you divorce anyway. What do you have to lose? Counseling is an avenue that will help clarify the problems, and if a person does divorce, counseling will help self-understanding and one's own role in the marriage failure.

20. WHICH SET OF PROBLEMS DO I WANT TO LIVE WITH?

Divorce will not solve the conflict; it only changes it. If a person decides to divorce or remain married, there are going to be hassles. After working through these questions, you should have a clear idea of the pros and cons. Realistically assess the problems on each side of the issue and try to determine which set is most livable.